A new chapter in life and new "boxes" to unload. This blog is a little harder mostly because it's the first step. The first real step to putting myself out there again in the art world and out there in the public sphere. Similar in feeling to stepping up to the firing squad, smiling hoping your looks will save you, I suppose it's better to just get it over with though right?
Straightforward, this freelance thing has been challenging. I really did think I would be further ahead than I am, but I've always been the full steam ahead, we are going to knock this out type of person. I will burn myself to the ground trying to get a project done. I'll overthink it, take it apart, put it together with entirely different components if I have to just to get it to work, read the directions backwards to make sure I didn't miss anything type of gal. This project does not work that way.
Instead this has been more like an awakening. Since I quit my recent job I've had more time to sit and do things for myself as me. Sarah. Not as a mom, not as a wife. Problem is, I haven't had much alone time in years and I'm having issues budgeting my 3 hours of freedom. I'd love to tell you that I've been fully immersed in drawing and doodling my family's crazy adventures, because deep down there's nothing I'd love to do more, but it's been more soul searching. The best way I can explain it is I've been so busy putting my personal happiness away in a junk drawer. I still have a sense of what makes me happy, but most of the items in my drawer have developed into a waste of space. Now I'm picking through all my "junk" and keeping the important things and tossing the rest of the drawer in the trash. Art has always been therapeutic for me so luckily it was the first thing to put aside to save, but it's easy to loose that sense when you don't visit your happy place for a while.
Each sketch slowly starts to erode the years of rust around these rusty fingers and it gets easier and more enjoyable but somehow each piece brings a box up from the basement for me to sort through like that junk drawer. Going through them brings a flood of memories, some enjoyable, some painful. How do you just let it all go when each item is an integral part of who you are?
This time though I know I need to downsize. The new "place" is to small for cluttered knick-knacks and picture frames, but the view is amazing and there's enough space to run and have that garden I've always wanted. The only thing I can take with me are the things that can't be replaced. My co-pilots in life and the things I've learned along the way.
So what are you suppose to do with these "boxes" that you've decided to let go from your life? Do you just let it sit there and walk off? It's not the same as literally moving. No one wants these boxes. Everyone wants to go through them to get a sense of who you are, but no one wants to actually take them home. Their homes are already cluttered enough as is.
I suppose at this point I've decided it's time to just step out of the whole box. And when I did that I realized that every great thing in my life has been this wonderful little gift. Like a doll house. Each one had a set of keys. I've had so many doors that I had the power to lock and unlock at any point in my career and perhaps I always knew that, because I took advantage of that. I asked so many questions and I learned so much from so many amazing people! But each door closed eventually.
I have a chance to finally leave all of those keys behind and take a chance that some doors are already unlocked. It's stepping into the unknown knowing your destination is in front of you, but it's up to you to navigate. And if that doesn't scare you just a little bit, I don't think your human. Its the breath before the trust fall. Sometimes you have to breath a little harder than others. Some just get pushed off the cliff. You might hit the ground hard because of reality, you might be saved because you believe in fairy tales.
